IMHO: Why I hate those John Lewis Christmas ads

Last year’s depiction of a lonely, forgotten Grandfather was adjudged a bit too miserable, so this year, this annus horrible, this not so sweet ’16, they've decided to liven things up a bit. How you ask? With a dog bouncing around on a trampoline. Who could resist?

Some have posited that the dog, Buster, represents Donald Trump and his human companion, Bridget, a token for Hilary Clinton. He’s charging in and taking what’s hers (in the advert, Buster barges past and jumps on the trampoline before she can have a go).

I’ve pursued this idea a bit. For a moment, I thought it may be true. Did you know the dog who plays Buster is called Biff off-screen? Biff. The same name given to the megalomaniac, tycoon character in Back to The Future, who was famously based on the now President elect. Ultimately, though, it’s a silly idea.

John Lewis

Clearly what they’re trying to do here is distract us. They’re using a bouncing dog (and, indirectly, some high-end, expensive goods) to try to anaesthetise us to the unremitting horror that has been bearing witness to life in 2016 – a year so widely regarded by young people as having been terrible.

No matter your political orientation, I think it’s fair to say everyone’s found something to be upset about in 2016. This is classic bread and circus. And it’s worked. The hysteria of November 9, with its #TrumpProtest and all the other vicarious grieving by swathes of young people on behalf of their distant cousins in America had, by November 10, been almost forgotten as people collectively surrendered to the numbing power of a bouncing dog and some abstract concept of “Christmas spirit”.

Well, I, for one, will not be distracted. Werner Herzog once said "that the poet must never avert their gaze". Like Hare in 2013’s “Bear and Hare” edition, I’m staying woke. More on Bear and Hare (and Werner Herzog) later…

First of all, the picture that John Lewis depicts of the animal kingdom is grossly naïve. This year, poor Buster looks out of the window longingly as a whole coterie of urban wildlife have a jolly on the trampoline Dad’s just bought for Bridget.

In the world of the advert, Buster’s only concern is to get out there and play along with them. I’ve had dogs. And I’ve also had problems with foxes in the back garden. In my world, i.e. reality, Buster isn’t bothered about the stupid trampoline – he wants to get out there and rip those foxes’ necks off.

And what about the foxes themselves? Here, they get painted as cuddly, bouncy, playthings – full of fun and verve. Have you ever witnessed the inside of a chicken coop after a fox has just been in? It’s like something out of Hostel. They’re not friendly, or playful, or easy-going. They’re cold killers, man. Complete thugs.

All this continues in a tradition of mis-education concerning the natural world. 2013’s “The Bear and the Hare” was another animated allegory about cross-species friendship. Hare, upset that he won’t be able to share Christmas with his buddy Bear because the latter’s busy, well, hibernating, decides to install an alarm clock in his mate’s cave. In this animated tale everything works out and Bear even seems grateful to be awoken to the magic of Christmas.

Just imagine for a second though that this is a real life situation. This powerful predator is fast asleep when you startle him/her with a loud alarm clock and bright Christmas lights.

Have you seen that bit in the Werner Herzog film Grizzly Man? Have you listened to the recording of the man’s muffled screams, as his limbs are peeled from his frame like cheese-string? This is to say nothing of penguins.

Anyone who wants to know a little of their true nature only need read Scott of the Antarctic’s account of necrophilia and abuse in the South Pole. It certainly bears little resemblance to the depiction in 2014’s Monty The Penguin.

Overall, they seem to be dealing in things they little understand. In a similar vein, last year’s #ManOnTheMoon dealt with the problem of over-population in a slightly flippant manner, for me.

Medicine means that people are living longer now and, in lots of ways, society is still catching up to that. We don’t know what to do with our senior citizens. Largely, they get handed over to the care system.

In #ManOnTheMoon’s dystopian vision of the future, they’re shipped off to neighbouring satellites. The same problem of loneliness persists. John Lewis’ solution: buy them a telescope to communicate with the family. It’s a touching sentiment. In a nutshell: don’t forget to phone your Nan and Grandad this Christmas.

The obvious problem with that message is that the target audience i.e children are, by and large, a bit stupid. Their little brains don’t have the capacity to understand duplicity of meaning. They see a John Lewis advert about telescopes and the inevitable outcome is that they nag their parents for a telescope.

Honestly, the department store sold out of telescopes within minutes of launching their campaign last year. Which is good in a way, I suppose. I mean, it feeds curiosity. But it’s no good for communicating with your grandparents, is it?

Another gripe I have with this series is that they ruin good songs. It started in the 2008 campaign, “If you know the person, you’ll find the present” with a cover of the Beatles. In 2014, Tom Odell, 19-year-old Tom Odell, who has lived and felt so little, tore the sentiment out of John Lennon’s “Real Love”.

Noel Gallagher has come out and admitted that he sold out by letting the chain use his song, “Half The World Away”. He kind of had to. It was embarrassing. Ex-manager Alan McGee had branded Aurora’s cover, “utter rubbish”. Do you think, when McGee hailed Gallagher the future of punk, he ever thought his protégé would end up flogging goods for a high-end department store? I suppose this is the way punk inevitably goes.

See also John Lydon pushing butter on people and Iggy Pop telling people to buy car insurance from a company that doesn’t actually insure rockstars.

Possibly the only song that’s been improved by one of these covers is Lily Allen’s version of Keane’s “Somewhere Only We Know”, but then maybe that’s because it had already reached saccharine saturation point in the first place and there was no further for it to go. Anyway, I’ve gone off track a bit, haven’t I?

Overall, I think the reason I don’t like these adverts is because I don’t get them. And because I’m a miserable sod. I don’t understand Christmas cheer if I’m honest, and especially when it’s being shoe-horned like this.

The best analogy I can use is that watching one of these things feels a bit like being the designated driver on a night out. What is everyone so excited about? Why are they all gibbering like that? What do they get that I don’t? Why are they all so happy? Whatever works though, I suppose…

P.S sorry if I’ve upset anyone. I’m only messing really. Sort of.